Ok God

I have been struggling severely with my faith. Not whether or not to believe in God, but more along the lines of trusting him. I scream and cry out at night for him to draw near and hold me- but do nothing more than that. I quit praying and reading my bible because I felt that it was a waste of time and he was not listening. It finally occurred to me that it "takes two to tango." This is not all about Him.. it is a lot about me and what I do. Let me explain. I can cry, scream, plead, beg, ask, and demand for him to hold me and talk to me and love me- but I have much to do on my part as well. It is not a one way street, I have to love him, serve him, thank him, praise him and seek him. It has been a huge challenge and much more than I bargained for, but I have started by reading at least a verse a day. Not much, not much at all but at least it was something. I have FINALLY moved past that and have a somewhat decent reading plan on my phone and am going through the book of psalm right now. It seems that every time I begin to doubt or feel even more weary, he sends me just the perfect verse. I love it. I finally feel that I may be back on the road to a new found faith that I have not seen in a very very long while. I've missed this more than I can ever describe. It sounds so dumb to say but I FINALLY figured out that I will NEVER be satisfied in life if I am not walking with Christ. I am not sure when this thought finally clicked into reality but I am sure glad it did. I have been so unhappy with myself and life in general that it became almost unbearable. I did a lot of crying in the night and begging God to show up....and HE DID! I know that this "mountain" I am on will not last forever. That there will be more severely rough roads up ahead- but maybe now that I have had a taste of what my God can and will do- my mindset should follow behind. My God is mighty to save! He loves me exactly the way I AM! He wants me regardless of the ridiculous decisions I have been making and doesn't mind me being stubborn or slightly angry still. He is a patient, gentle, loving, compassionate, comforting, and protecting GOD. He wants what is best for me- It just took way too long to remember this and to finally accept it.