Joy

So I found out a couple days ago that this blog is really impacting those who read it. Thank you to those who have messaged me and shared your encouragement and stories- they are a huge blessing!

The last post that I wrote was a pretty sad one.. I will just start by saying that, Yes, I am still dealing with all of that but I am doing better- praise be to God. He is really helping me through this in mighty ways. It is only by Him that I am able to continue on without this completely tearing me down...again.

I have really seen God work lately and it has completely refreshed my life and my views of Him.

I truly believe that this is the semester or year that God is really going to use me more for His glory. This is finally the point at which He helps me back onto my feet, brushes off my shoulders and grabs my hand while walking beside me and speaking sweetly. Isn't that the most beautiful picture? Oh that gives me tears and chills.. and a huge sigh of relief! On the flip side- this is the time where I am finally deciding to stop sulking with my head toward the ground and instead look to Him in those grace filled eyes. I'd like to say that this could have occurred sooner if I had only woken up earlier... but in reality, this was the time that He planned on me turning back to Him- and what an amazing time it is!

The year that I spent practically "without" Him was the MOST DIFFICULT year of my life..

It absolutely tears me apart to go back down memory lane and all the trials and tribulations.. He was there the entire time- I just yelled in His face and cried out to Him..but He was there. He was there beside me in bed holding me while I painfully wept my entire heart out. He was there in that midnight hour when I wanted to quit life and give up completely. He was there in church when I could no longer praise Him with song. He was there when I refused to open my bible or pray.

....He was there.

My eyes were too filled with tears and my heart was too full of grief to realize that everything was going to be okay. His promises that He spoke to me were drowned out by the sound of my anger and bitterness.

I know that He knew all of this was going to happen and that none of this would take Him by surprise.. but it still kills me at the thought of me almost walking away and giving up on Him. I am so thankful for those big arms that held me tight and NEVER let me go.

While I was searching for love in all the wrong places- While I ran into the arms of anyone who would hold me- His arms were embracing me the entire time. Why could I not feel that?

My heart sings a new song now- and that song is full of hope, joy and PEACE.

I can trust fully, sing loudly, and pray wholeheartedly once again..

I remember when I realized that NOTHING in my life was going to work out if I was not in good standing with God. It was like I knew it the whole time but was doing everything I could not to include Him in the journey.

That obviously got me nowhere.

It's not that He couldn't hear me screaming His name.... It's that I couldn't hear Him screaming mine.

I can feel Him, hear Him and see the things that He's doing in my life now.

I am being painfully but beautifully refined by His love-

You are the Potter

I am the Clay

Mold me and make me

This is what I pray