If you want to know all the nitty gritty in my life....

Where do I even begin? I have been desperate to blog lately but for some reason just never could find the time. For starters, the biggest news in my life is that I AM ENGAGED and getting married- 7 weeks from tomorrow! Time has flown by way quicker than I thought it would, but I am blessed to have just about everything already done. It has been a HUGE roller coaster with emotions and not having mom and dad here- but on the plus side, knowing that that man of my dreams found me and wanted to marry me... you just can't top that! I fell in love quicker and stronger than I knew I was capable of... but I wouldn't have it any other way!
With that said... we are in the process of buying a house. However, not just any house. I believe in my previous blog somewhere I talked about us moving into my childhood home. It, along with everything else has been a very big challenge. Long story "short"... I hired a lawyer in February to help with the process of buying the house from the Estate and "other stuff.." However.. after being told 5 different dates that we would have the house and ALL of them falling through- as well as her sending out disastrous, misspelled, and incomplete documents to my sisters for them to sign.. I dropped her like a bad habit. She was never in town, never returned phone calls, "promised" me a house 5 different times and so on... yeah she's gone and all that's left is a large bill and no progress :(
After this lovely past 5 months of hell with that lawyer, I have gone a different direction and am now very close to closing on the house. OF COURSE things are not going as smoothly as we had hoped for.. but what's new?
SOO with a wedding just around the corner and probably not being able to close on the house until after July 1st... you can only begin to fathom my mentality.
I, not so proudly, have just about lost my ever lovin mind. I feel numb to any hope that I had once seen and I'd rather spend my time in the dark guest room at Matt's house than do anything else. I guess you can say that I have most definitely hit rock bottom. There is no point in staying on the edge of my seat  anymore and praying that things would somehow just change and fall into place. I feel like I have lost the battle for the house and that we will not have a place to live when we are first married. To sum it up.. I feel like a huge failure. Thus, not helping with my "supposed to be overly happy bride-to-be" mentality either. So let's just throw it out there since I've been told I don't talk about these things enough-- I am sad. Very overly unhappily disgustingly SAD.
It is hard enough doing this wedding on my own without parents. Knowing that my daddy won't be there to walk me down the aisle.. and my mommy won't be there to zip up my dress and tell me I look beautiful.... just typing that makes me cry.. and wish that things could be different.....
 

I was sitting at the dinner table with my Mom, Dad and Matt. It seemed like it may have been one of their first times to meet him. We were laughing and having a great time. I could hear their voices just as I remembered them... Dad was sitting at the head of the table like usual and Mom was to his left. They were proud of me and happy to see us. (trying to breathe while I write this).. anyways. When it came time for Matt and I to drive back to DBU that night I just cried at the dinner table. I felt like something was missing and apparently I hadn't come to visit in a while.. I wanted to stay at the dinner table with them forever and never leave. I missed them so much even though they were right in front of me. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way...feeling so homesick.............. (sobbing)....

....And that's when I woke up....

It was one of those dreams that feels so real. I literally woke up thinking that I needed to drive over there right away and hug them. I felt like a terrible daughter for not visiting enough... 

When I rolled over , it was all I could do not to completely lose it.

I haven't had a dream like that since the accident. I haven't been able to hear their voices or see their faces that well since the accident...
For those 15-20 minutes.. I wasn't lost. I was happy and I was loved. But most of all....I... was home.

I miss them- I haven't actually said that in quite a while. I haven't cried like this since last semester and Now.. it's all hitting me. This time it's only worse.

All that to say- I'm not okay right now ...but I will be. 

I am marrying the most amazing man that I could ever dream of. His love for me helps me through these tough days but unfortunately it doesn't make it go away..


Deep Breath
I'm gonna be okay-