It's been a rough patch again..

I know that there will always be valleys in our journey of life... but this one is consuming me. The heart is aching and I am sick at the thought of being so lonely and impatient for God's timing. I have cried out many nights but tonight is really getting to me. Satisfaction and fulfillment seems oh so distant. I realize He is near but what does that make me if I am far? Human? So be it. I will rise up with His strength and conquer this valley...once again. He is MY STRENGTH. HE IS my strength. He is near to the brokenhearted and comforts those in need. He has a plan, a purpose, a hope and a life all planned out for me. He is my shield. He is my rock. He is my father who loves me. He is and always will be my first love. He loves me so much that He sent His son to DIE for me. He hurts when I hurt and mourns when I mourn. He is holding me up when I can't find the strength anymore. As I lie awake at night and the heart shattering thoughts run through my head, He is there. As the worst flash backs race through my mind, He is there. As I hug my pillow as tightly as possible trying to feel comfort.. He is right in between and He's holding me tighter.

I must remember these things. I must. I must.

I have to.

I have been in denial since the beginning of the semester- I've denied all the past summer's heartaches and shattered memories. I have tried to be so strong and act as if I can't be broken anymore- but that's all become a reality. Slapping me in the face- my heart's laid out in plane sight once again. I am human. I am broken. I am capable of being destroyed and walked on. I feel the pain even when I try my best not to and I remember the faces of those who have tried to take everything away. 

I will be fine. God always brings me through and He's never let me down. This rough patch that I am in is simply making me stronger. He is fully aware of how I feel and knows that I CAN handle this... I just have to rely on Him totally..completely.

I wrote this following piece about a week ago-

And I surround myself with pillows

But I can't feel a thing

Nothing's there

Nothing's holding me

It's never close enough and

No one can hold me tight enough

My skin has become thick to the softness

of ones love

But I desire it like you wouldn't believe

I cry out to God night after night

Day after day

I pray

That He will hold me

And be the only one I need

But again I awake with the same longing

Longing to be held

Longing to be loved

Lord satisfy

Fulfill

Answer

Your daughter is lonely

Is trying to do her best

But oh Father you have to do the rest

These tests are destroying me

Do I pass or do I fail

Does that one comment or phone call

Mean I'm not strong 

That I've given up

That I don't care?

Signed-

Your loving daughter in despair