The real story

My goodness I am so ready for all of this to be here and over. I have absolutely loved being engaged, but I in no way understand how people do this for a year or so.. It's stinkin exhausting! It wares on me and everyone else possible. It causes stress and anxiety for everyone...
I have been told that I am missing out on my engagement due to so much stress with the house- each day that we cross off the calendar in my mind is one day more that I don't have a house.. Things went from bad to worse with family situations and such..
I have played nice since February but not sure how much more I can take. What [she] doesn't realize is that she is robbing me of my happiness during my wedding planning. I think that is what pisses me off so much. NOT that she is being a total selfish heartless "so called loving sister" but that she is robbing me of everything else! This is the ONE time I get married and she destroys it in every way possible. She expects me to place her in my life again and let her jump on board with the whole wedding stuff after {they} tell Matthew that I am basically an "emotionally unstable whore".. and she withholds MY house key from me and refuses to let me start getting MY house ready for Matthew and I to move into it when everything becomes official. I could just lose it! Is that who wants to be in my wedding? Two words- one starts with H and the other word is NO.
I have told her that only people who love and support Matthew and I 100% get to be involved..

I often wonder how my life ended up like this... when I daydream I dream of better days with a big happy family and a mom and dad who love me with their whole hearts. I dream of the day when I get to run into their arms again... Oh how I need them and Oh how I miss them more and more everyday...
I don't think my sister understands how much damage she is causing...
How can you stand to think of yourself destroying the heart of someone who has lost EVERYTHING. See I think she doesn't see and never will, that our situations are different.
When everything happened she had a husband and a home, she had done college and grown up with wisdom and guidance from our mom and dad *that she seem so desperately to have lost sight of* But us, Alicia and I, were fresh 18 year olds about to enter into a whole new exciting world....... but then we had everything taken from us.- a home, a family...love.
That love that we lost was left to my sister to replenish yet she poured it on others besides us and left us to dry. She made us pay for everything that she had ever done for us. she talked crap about us to everyone she knew and made up lies to tell those we loved and were close to. She hacked into our accounts and our lives doing more and more damage each and every time..
She stole our fragility and forced us,gave us no choice, but to have hardened hearts towards this life we now we painfully call ours.

If only mom and dad knew what was going on... Does she not know that she is destroying the legacy they left her?!! She is destroying what mom and dad left her to take care of! She has destroyed our family, our faith and our unity as a happy family. It is gone. It is damaged. It is done.

All that remains now are two twin girls who are still falling from this unfathomably twisted world- with only few things that keep us believing we will land on solid ground. That is Our faith, our friends (our select family that haven't betrayed us) our loves and our tiny glimpse of hope that [she/they] haven't managed to crush entirely.
I know that all of this will be justified by God- I do. But It is so hard to see how anything will make this all right. 

I will have a home. one day.
I do have the love of my life beside me.
I do have friends/and select family who love me
And I do.....somehow still have a lot of hope that things will be okay.


In the end- When all else has fallen, Love remains.

So much has been going on, but there is no way that I have time to stop and spend an hour writing about it. So I will take what tiny time I have to say that the wedding is well on it's way. After hitting every possible bump in the road and every set back possible, I have somehow managed to keep my sanity(For the most part.) I'll start off by saying that there still is no house in the picture. It is beyond the most frustrating,draining,emotional roller coasters I have been on.. (sorta.) I have taken a "leave of absence" from the whole situation and handed it over to Matthew, Shannon and Jeff. I CAN'T do it anymore. There is a time where I say "I've hit rock bottom" and then there is a time where I really have hit rock bottom. Well, I am definitely far past both those points... and in order for this wedding to take place, I must have my sanity and emotions in tack (as much as possible!)

I can't believe that Our wedding is right around the corner... everyone said time would fly but HOLY COW this is insane. It seems like yesterday when I sat down with my Aunt and counted out the weeks left till the wedding... that was 14 weeks ago! and here we are less than 4 weeks away! where did time go?
There still is SO much to be done- it's like the list keeps growing (possibly because of this addicting app called Pinterest..) they have SO many amazing wedding ideas on there. But that is beside the point. Point is- The list is HUGE and I have no spare time for extra fun stuff.. it is wedding boot camp around here. As many of you know, Matt and I are living together with his family for the Summer. If you have a problem with that please complain to someone else :) *clears throat* Anyways.... I sleep on a full size mattress on the floor and he has a pallet next to me on the floor. Lined along the walls is all of my crap. You should see this poor room. My huge clear tub of "wedding stuff" along with all the boxes that I have received in the mail for wedding stuff, all the save the dates, and even some wedding gifts... then just add about 4 baskets of clothes, 2 suit cases and a large TV- that is what this room contains.. And that's just one room. We have invaded the entire dining room which is now covered in wedding paper card stock, decorations for wedding and all our wedding gifts.... 

Yes, it is safe to say that WEDDING is taking over my life. God's timing is a funny thing, might I add?

Moving on- I went to my dress fitting the other day.. my o my I love that dress. I have been working my butt off at the gym and eating a VERY strict diet for quite some time and might I say, it has really paid off? My dress is beautiful! I can't wait until Matthew gets to see me walk down the aisle... oh how I have longed for this day for so long! I can't believe it is right around the corner~ We have one more fitting after it being hemmed (who would have thought I OF ALL PEOPLE would have to have something hemmed.) and then I get to pick it up after it is ironed and all pretty :)

This may seem quite jumbled and random...and that's okay because it is! However, I am looking at a Hyundai Tucson for my next car~ I for one desperately need a bigger/better car. My current car was an over priced hand-me-down and It's time for it to go!
Here is my pros list- 

• It is bigger and will hold all of our wedding crap plus a bridesmaid or two on the way down to Houston.
• I WANT IT
• It's great on gas 
• It will have two mirrors.. (joke)
• It will give me a good distraction that will make me :)
• My car is crap

Cons:

• It's one more thing that could go wrong (ie not getting it in time...)
• other than that there are none.

It is beautiful!

http://www.hyundaiusa.com/tucson/exterior.aspx 

I am sure there are much more important things to say but I am in the midst of wedding boot camp and must get back.