Thanksgiving number two. Last thanksgiving I was not thankful for anything at all. I was sickened by the thought of trying to find something I was thankful for and instead looked at all the negativity in my life. I was still pissed at God for taking everything away from me, I wasn't getting along with my "new family", I didn't want to eat anything that mom usually made and I didn't want to sit at a table all together because then it was really obvious to tell who was missing.

I am thankful for the change of heart- the painful change but change nonetheless. I can name many things that I am so grateful for. I get along with my "new family" better. I still really don't want to sit at the table together... and I refuse to eat the dressing that is mom's recipe. Those things will change with time.

It is so hard to believe that this is the second thanksgiving without them. So far I am doing okay with this thought- but we will see what tomorrow is like. Each day is tolerable now... however it's these holidays that are the real kickers.

Anytime that friends and family come together and celebrate..those are the toughest for me. It is so blatantly obvious that mom and dad are missing. Two chairs are missing that so desperately need to be filled...

Well.. I can't think like that right now or I will send myself into a fit of tears and a massive headache...and quite frankly I really don't want to do that right now.

So please if you will, keep me and my family in your prayers tomorrow if you think about it. Much love to all who read this and

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

All I can say right now- is that God loves me more than anyone in this world ever could or did. He wants me all to himself and desires every ounce of me. He wants to hold my hand and walk me through every day. The days where I feel as if I can walk on my own just fine.. and the days where I want to close my eyes and never open them again because reality is such a harsh place.

It has been a very rough few weeks- struggling with grief.. and it winning.

feeling alone and lost. unloved and ordinary. 

Feeling as if there is something out there so near in sight- but so frustrated because I can't see it... I can't see anything. Knowing that there is peace and a promise of a limit to how much I can handle- just right around the corner. It hurts. It hurts worse than any physical or emotional pain I have ever felt in my life.

The battle to give myself completely to God....as he seems to take everything I have ever loved, away from me.

it seems nearly impossible- but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

and so that's what I tell myself daily- minute by minute

Knowing that the only reason I am still able to function and live life- is because HE is my strength..

I need to go to bed now-

but my heart is heavy and I felt the desire to write. I hope that out there somewhere someone will be touched through what God is doing in me. Don't give up hope- He will keep His promise. We can do this.

the valley's grow deeper.

I have prayed so hard. Harder and more intense and sincere than I have ever prayed before.
I have prayed for answers of the past and answers for the future. Answers of life, tragedy and all in between. I am lost and confused. Hurt and shattered.. but still breathing and letting this heart beat for my Savior.
Yet, this valley is growing deeper and darker each day. I cannot fathom all that has happened and I am in denial of the more tragic present that I face today.
Two deaths of friends and loved ones within a few weeks of each other- funerals that brought back so many memories that I have buried deep deep within. My heart is open and pouring out with pain and sorrow...  for those that I lost and those that I love who have lost loved ones recently.
I prayed that God would use me and this gigantic testimony that He has given me...
Now the opportunity is knocking on my door- and I have never ran so fast away.
It scares me- all my scars and those that still have not healed.. are torn back open. I have to become vulnerable once again and tear open those nightmares...to remember and empathize with those who are now facing what I've been through and still face each day.
Broken hearts- so shattered that you can't imagine ever being the same again. 
How am I supposed to tell them everything is going to be okay when I still question that daily? I tell them that God is faithful and He will heal their brokenness with time.... but I lay awake at night and cry for Him to do more. To heal me more. To take away the pain more. To show me more! To bring them back to me. To make all this hell...disappear.
How can I speak truth into them when I still have doubts and when I still have dark moments. When I still cry at the drop of a hat and can barely make it through a worship song or sad movie with out absolutely losing it. Seeing a family at a restaurant and begging God to give it back to me.
How am I supposed to do this?