Rocky

Things have been a bit rocky lately and I am sorry for not posting more.
School is going to be pretty tough this semester but I am ready to learn and stay plenty busy.


The past few days or so I have been kind of down in the dumps- I can't really figure it out entirely but I am sure it will pass. Grief seems to show up at the most random and very inconvenient times. New beginnings always makes me miss them more. My state of denial has vanished but it was nice while it lasted. Reality is not always a pretty place and I tend to stay FAR away from it..
Not the best policy I know, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

If life was perfect we would take it for granted and not ever see the beauty of it all.
                          -Me


There is beauty in a day that sucks- b/c just around the corner is a day of pure bliss and joy. The bad days just remind me that if I hang on long enough, I will see the true meaning of a good day in the near future.
HOPEFULLY that will be tomorrow... or even later tonight.


"I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for you"

God showed me this lyric today in a Phil Wickham song- love it

potential next tat- YES! :)

new beginnings and endings

I am currently sitting on Matt's couch while he sleeps- again. But we had a long night so it's completely okay. I think the Redline Energy drink that I downed last night (and nearly died to) just kicked in... at 8:17am on a saturday morning....awesome.


I am supposed to be heading back to MY HILL (DBU) today- Hopefully that still happens due to it being a Saturday and me needing someone to be there so I can get my key and sign back in... still debating on that one..
HOWEVER... I am very ready yet extremely nervous to go back. I miss my home so much but being back has been nice and I have enjoyed seeing everyone (mostly). I am anxious to begin a new chapter in my life but at the same time very unsteady. I am anticipating this next semester to be pretty difficult with my management classes finally starting..
plus with this new boy in my life, I hope that I am able to balance everything while still being the best student, best friend, and best girlfriend as I can be.


I wish that things had ended better here in my hometown- but as usual... they have not. Some pretty complicated things have gone on which just make it easier to want to run back to my hill and never come back...
So as painful as it may be to begin ending a chapter of my life- I think this new and if I do say so myself, BEAUTIFUL chapter will help ease the rest.


Again, GOD will bring me through it all. He has. Always has and always will. I just have to keep that in mind and not lose sight of the picture He is painting for my life.


I want things to be different when I go back. I need to someHOW become more organized and neat. Get rid of the million and ten clothes that I don't need... study and PRAY MORE.
With school and all the studying... and let's be honest, social-ness.... it is hard to keep my God&Me Time as a priority. The happiest and strongest I have been is when I am in His word and will.. SO LET's GET BACK TO THAT!






Update: with my last post I talked about how I was running the opposite direction everytime Matt said he liked me and such..
We talked about it all and ended up having the
greatest
deepest
most awesomest
all night
talk ever.
and things have gotten a lot better since. We became way closer and more.. "unified?" due to it. Bonus.


Thank you for your replies and encouragement! (via FB)


May your dreams be bright and reality brighter.


*smooch*

this is so unfair!

How can it be that a girl like me gets freaked out when a boy she really cares about says "I like you a lot" "I like you" "you are beautiful" "you mean a lot to me".... is that not what every girl desires to hear?..
I want to hear all of those things but why do they scare me and make me want to run the other way when someone I care about SO much says them?
Is it because I have heard them before and then been screwed over by the ones that said it? Is it because I am afraid I will get too used to hearing those words and then one day them not mean anything? How unfair is this??
I want to believe that this is Satan just trying to destroy something beautiful- I mean, it makes sense right?..
I care about this guy so much and he makes me so happy- so why is there still something not right yet?
We are taking things very very slowly.. so I should have nothing to be afraid of..

I just for once wish that I could be totally at peace
happy and
care free!

Do I just need to stop worrying and let things roll the way they are?
Or do we need to have a sit down chat and figure this all out?

How stupid do I feel~
"Um sorry babe- It scares me when you tell me that you like me and I mean a lot to you"

My entire mind is telling me to delete this post right now so that he doesn't see it and I just "sweep it under the rug" like I ALWAYS do....
but I have to be honest with him and let him know these things. Don't they always say that, "communication is key"
Sigh.

I feel that this may be a huge part of my trust issue showing up..in a BIG way.
serious prayer is in order.

well... that's all for now..

Well..there's this boy..

I am currently in the arms of my.. snoring boyfriend. Yes I said it, boyfriend! Matthew was brought to me a while back as a dear friend but things changed about...6 weeks ago. Our friendship grew closer and we denied all feeling for a while until recently. I truly believe that he is my answered prayer. He has brought such joy to my life and not to mention numerous laughs and smiles :) He is my "Michael Hosea" for those of you who have read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers... (if you have not- go now and get it!)
My prayers for so long have been for God to
Bring me someone to ease the pain just a bit.
To walk beside me through this journey I'm on.
To hold me when I need big strong arms that refuse to let me go.
To accept me just the way I am.
and to eventually love me with the love of Christ..according to His will.
 Though I am still guarding my heart and taking things VERY slow with him, I believe with all my heart that God brought me Matthew Tolar.

I wish that I could have found him sooner and avoided all the mistakes from my past.... but I know that timing is all in the hands of my Father and apparently later was better than sooner...

He treats me better than I have ever been treated and he tells me how much I mean to him constantly. It's such a breath of fresh air as opposed to what I am used to.
However, I still struggle to let him "help me" or to lean on him when I really need someone to lean on.I also have a problem with opening up to him about deeper issues and things on my heart... but that is probably just because I am not used to guys that actually care.... MOVING ON... I'm sure that fear and hesitation will all vanish with time..right?
He deserves everything and I hope that according to God's will, I can one day become that for him. He's had his fair share of a tough life too and I want to be there beside him in the good and the bad.

During my many prayers for the right one to come along, I always believed that the man God sent me would have to be extremely sympathetic and empathetic with my "situation" aka...being an orpahn with a crummy past/present.. blessedly, I have recieved that and more :)

I really....really like him and have NEVER felt like this before. I'm falling for him way faster than I ever thought I could..and that scares me a lot..a lot......However, with prayer and guidance..AND taking things slow- this will all be okay.
 I am still getting used to all of it and constantly have to remind myself that this guy is a great one and I am safe with him.. God bless him for his patience poor guy.
Thank you Lord for hearing and answering my prayers.