Less Profound.

This post is simply about how much I love DBU, the people here and this beautiful room that I have finally (just about) finished up.
Thank you to all of my followers and the sweet encouraging comments.

This semester is going to be a pretty tough one but I am ready...I think. Hybrid classes were the worst idea- but this is just one of those things that I will learn the hard way..as usual. But being here is SUCH a blessing. I realize it more and more everyday.

My room feels like a home now- and what a great feeling that is. People stop and ask all the time how I ended up with my own room and I simply say that I asked- but really and truly it's because I need a place of my own to call Home.

Goodnight friends-
sleep in peace for you are in the arms of Christ.

Joy

So I found out a couple days ago that this blog is really impacting those who read it. Thank you to those who have messaged me and shared your encouragement and stories- they are a huge blessing!

The last post that I wrote was a pretty sad one.. I will just start by saying that, Yes, I am still dealing with all of that but I am doing better- praise be to God. He is really helping me through this in mighty ways. It is only by Him that I am able to continue on without this completely tearing me down...again.

I have really seen God work lately and it has completely refreshed my life and my views of Him.

I truly believe that this is the semester or year that God is really going to use me more for His glory. This is finally the point at which He helps me back onto my feet, brushes off my shoulders and grabs my hand while walking beside me and speaking sweetly. Isn't that the most beautiful picture? Oh that gives me tears and chills.. and a huge sigh of relief! On the flip side- this is the time where I am finally deciding to stop sulking with my head toward the ground and instead look to Him in those grace filled eyes. I'd like to say that this could have occurred sooner if I had only woken up earlier... but in reality, this was the time that He planned on me turning back to Him- and what an amazing time it is!

The year that I spent practically "without" Him was the MOST DIFFICULT year of my life..

It absolutely tears me apart to go back down memory lane and all the trials and tribulations.. He was there the entire time- I just yelled in His face and cried out to Him..but He was there. He was there beside me in bed holding me while I painfully wept my entire heart out. He was there in that midnight hour when I wanted to quit life and give up completely. He was there in church when I could no longer praise Him with song. He was there when I refused to open my bible or pray.

....He was there.

My eyes were too filled with tears and my heart was too full of grief to realize that everything was going to be okay. His promises that He spoke to me were drowned out by the sound of my anger and bitterness.

I know that He knew all of this was going to happen and that none of this would take Him by surprise.. but it still kills me at the thought of me almost walking away and giving up on Him. I am so thankful for those big arms that held me tight and NEVER let me go.

While I was searching for love in all the wrong places- While I ran into the arms of anyone who would hold me- His arms were embracing me the entire time. Why could I not feel that?

My heart sings a new song now- and that song is full of hope, joy and PEACE.

I can trust fully, sing loudly, and pray wholeheartedly once again..

I remember when I realized that NOTHING in my life was going to work out if I was not in good standing with God. It was like I knew it the whole time but was doing everything I could not to include Him in the journey.

That obviously got me nowhere.

It's not that He couldn't hear me screaming His name.... It's that I couldn't hear Him screaming mine.

I can feel Him, hear Him and see the things that He's doing in my life now.

I am being painfully but beautifully refined by His love-

You are the Potter

I am the Clay

Mold me and make me

This is what I pray

Another attack

Today has been a very rough day. I don't say this to complain but just to notify you all that prayers are much needed.
According to the past blogs this week, I have been doing very well. I have been joyful and seen Christ in many different ways.
Of course we all know that when things are going well- it only means that a valley is up ahead. Well it was a nice happy week ..until today..
I don't want to give in detail everything because I am unsure of who all is reading this- but I will say that someone very very close to me has totally and completely shattered my heart. The words from this person were some of the lowest, inhumane, hateful, and painful words that I have EVER heard before. The lowest comments about my parents death that you can even begin to fathom. All of the hateful words from this person that I use to share my life with and love dearly.... It is unthinkable and I am still trying to cope with it all.
to top it off-From all of this heartache- brought on a huge migraine all today..
Thankfully that is getting better and I am about to head to bed.

I am thankful to the ones who let me cry it out in their arms today and the one who bawled with me on the phone- alicia, i love you more than you will ever..ever know.

I am thankful for Vanessa who was on the phone as I shared these horrible things with her.  I had not heard everything yet and needed someone there "beside" me for strength..
The words of this person literally took my breath away- Never have I ever been breathless from so much heartache.. speechless yes, but breathless.... that is a new one.
She told me that this was just a major attack from Satan because I have been doing so well- and finally once again I am renewing my relationship with God and trying to draw nearer to Him. It is painstakingly unfortunate that this certain person I love had to be the one to attack-
But as I have seen many times before in my life and especially in the past year, I, with God's strength will overcome this attack...again.

I don't have some brilliant God life lesson to share with you out of this...yet, but I know that I will grow stronger from this and share the lesson I learned with you all soon.
For now I am going to pray through this one. Pray for peace and strength. For slow anger and absolutely no words to come out of my mouth to the attacker..
For continued joy even through the terrible times. For a stronger faith. For understanding and discernment. For some way to learn something out of all of this. For God to show me the truth vs the lies in these statements.

So to this person I have one thing to say- thank you.
Thank you for making me grow closer to MY COMFORTER AND HEALER

GOD MOMENT..

I have really been trying to fall back in the arms of my Father for quite a while. Every since the accident things have been very rocky. I have watched myself turn into someone I despise and followed a road I shouldn't have. Luckily, the journey down that road ended before it got worse. Looking in the mirror, I was constantly disgusted with myself and who I had become. So recently, I have started over. The beautiful thing about my God is that He allows us a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and many many more..chances. I am probably on chance number 10,000 but the beauty in a grace filled God is that I can start over- on a clean slate! It amazes me how quickly I forgot about all the "cliche" things that I learned growing up in church. Things like, He will never stop loving me, nothing I do will ever be "too bad" HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH, everything happens for a reason..(my favorite..not) and so on.
Anyways, lately I have started doing my quiet times and really seeking what God wants from me in this life He's given to me. I have prayed for opportunities to share my story with others so that they may somehow be reached and in return give the glory to God..
Well, turns out that God wants others to change and impact me with their own stories and words of encouragement. Tonight started out as an apology/discussion with one of my best guy friends- we have had some rough patches in our friendship and just wanted to clear the air. While sitting at sonic and confessing everything to him, his words in response blew me away. As if God himself was speaking through my friend, I heard everything I needed to hear- repeat- NEEDED to hear- not wanted to hear. It was the brutal truth of the path I was headed down- The truth of how my parents would feel if they knew that the reason I turned from God was because of their death. The truth of how God's grace is more than enough for me. It was one of the Biggest reality checks that I have ever had. I realized even more now, how much I am taking what God has given me for granted..including my friend. I realize that I have been consumed with only seeing what God has taken from me and not what He has given to me. It is so hard to focus on the good when about 95% of it is just dark and ugly. However, my GOD LOVES ME and constantly showers me with HIS GRACE and MERCY! I have understood grace from a different perspective, but never from my own situation. "If grace is an ocean we're all sinking"- those lyrics as I sang them today and chapel stuck deep in my heart- say it...Grace. Say it again, Grace. My friend helped me see that his friendship was real. He told me to look at all my other friends that I had before the accident and the lousy ones that I gained during the year after- Where are they? Gone. They couldn't handle me or my tragedy..or the fact that I was not okay and I didn't care who knew. But he reminded me that even through all of our tiffs and arguments, HE WAS STILL THERE FOR ME and NEVER ONCE walked away. My Father is like that- no matter how unreasonable, unhappy or selfish I am being- He wants me and He WONT ever walk away from me. He can handle my brokenness, my tears, my sadness, my anger, my confusion and my doubt. FOR ONCE, I have someone who COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS ME- and loves me just the way I am.

So after leaving sonic and parting ways, I came across another friend. I met this guy in the coed who simply said Hi as I walked in. I was drawn to him and wanted to know more about him. Turns out that God was just going to remind me once again of how amazing Him grace is. As this guy and I talked we realized that we both had a dark past and understood pain and grace at a different level than most. We shared our tattoo stories and the reasons for getting them. God showed me physically who he wanted me to be and who He could turn me into..if I would just let Him. This guy I met was once in my spot..kinda. He had/has been through a lot and he chose to walk away from God and do things on his own for a while. Until God revealed Himself to him and eventually drew him back into His arms. He is now so full of life, hope and joy! As I listened to this guy's story, I began to cry. For those who know me, I don't like to cry in front of others- ESPECIALLY the first time  I ever meet someone.. But yes, there I was crying. Fortunately, this guy understood EXACTLY what it's like to be so convicted. I shared with him what I was going through and told him that this was by far a "God moment." God showed me so much in one night and I am totally,completely and joyfully overwhelmed!

"Life is about getting knocked down, Living is all about getting back up"- my new friend

Ok God

I have been struggling severely with my faith. Not whether or not to believe in God, but more along the lines of trusting him. I scream and cry out at night for him to draw near and hold me- but do nothing more than that. I quit praying and reading my bible because I felt that it was a waste of time and he was not listening. It finally occurred to me that it "takes two to tango." This is not all about Him.. it is a lot about me and what I do. Let me explain. I can cry, scream, plead, beg, ask, and demand for him to hold me and talk to me and love me- but I have much to do on my part as well. It is not a one way street, I have to love him, serve him, thank him, praise him and seek him. It has been a huge challenge and much more than I bargained for, but I have started by reading at least a verse a day. Not much, not much at all but at least it was something. I have FINALLY moved past that and have a somewhat decent reading plan on my phone and am going through the book of psalm right now. It seems that every time I begin to doubt or feel even more weary, he sends me just the perfect verse. I love it. I finally feel that I may be back on the road to a new found faith that I have not seen in a very very long while. I've missed this more than I can ever describe. It sounds so dumb to say but I FINALLY figured out that I will NEVER be satisfied in life if I am not walking with Christ. I am not sure when this thought finally clicked into reality but I am sure glad it did. I have been so unhappy with myself and life in general that it became almost unbearable. I did a lot of crying in the night and begging God to show up....and HE DID! I know that this "mountain" I am on will not last forever. That there will be more severely rough roads up ahead- but maybe now that I have had a taste of what my God can and will do- my mindset should follow behind. My God is mighty to save! He loves me exactly the way I AM! He wants me regardless of the ridiculous decisions I have been making and doesn't mind me being stubborn or slightly angry still. He is a patient, gentle, loving, compassionate, comforting, and protecting GOD. He wants what is best for me- It just took way too long to remember this and to finally accept it.

just a quick post

I am about to head to bed because tomorrow is my first day of school :) Excited and nervous of course! My room is SO CUTE and coming along quite nicely thanks to the help of a very talented crew. Tomorrow I technically only have one class and chapel- good times- I will be done with all classes for the day by 10:50- BEAUTIFUL-

I will give more updates tomorrow. Love you

It's Time

It is finally time to be back at home, DBU. I am so very thankful for this amazing place despite these sad feelings of leaving behind my sisters. Last summer when I moved in I was completely numb and living in denial... exactly 16 days after my mom and dad were both killed. Though last year was HORRIBLE in many ways...I feel this year I will be more aware..which may make things a bit tougher. I am trying to stay positive and welcome this new semester with open arms but like I said before, I'm no longer numb. I have been really struggling with a lot these past 2 1/2 weeks- and I finally have come up with an answer to explain all the heartache that has been caused recently. I believe that God is tearing me down as low as possible so that all I need is Him. That all I have left is Him. This excites me but of course it terrifies me as well. Goodbye to my "somewhat" comfort zone. I believe that God is trying to get me to Himself so that nothing and no one can interfere with our relationship. Hint the losing my best friend and having one taken to Africa, the TINY room, the tricky classes and the massive amount of other stuff that is going on. I really hope that this will all end well... or maybe just be the start to a finally beautiful beginning. So let's close this chapter of sorrow and open up this chapter of hope- let's keep a positive outlook on life and not get so bogged down. Let's weep for the love that's been lost but not without the end in mind.

"Those who never face sorrow will never understand Joy"

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me -- a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8

Busy

So lately I have been ridiculously busy. Last weekend I did my first wedding (reception) It was a TON of fun but it was also a TON of work. Yesterday I threw my sister her first baby shower. It went well...slightly scattered, but the decorations were Amazing if I do say so myself. The theme was, "sweet baby boy" therefore we had a table full of sweets that went along with the color theme...chocolate, baby blue and ivory. Almond Joys, whoppers, blue jelly beans, tootsie rolls, hershy bars, baby blue jordan almonds, white chocolate mints and TONS of others. Everyone was able to fill a bag to take home as their party favor so to say. Vanessa got TONS of gifts at her shower. Little Brandon's room is going to be packed. All in all though, it went well! Another "event planning"success.

Now onto college- I move in either Wednesday or Thursday depending on how long it takes me to pack... My stuff is currently in 3 different locations, so I need to combine all of my boxes and such into one location so that my person Uhaul can hold ALL my stuff. Ridiculous? Yes.

On a side note, I went on a back to school shopping trip today. I went to buckle and bought the cutest tops. I never realized how seriously much I loved buckle- I filled up my entire punch card and recieved $10 off- bonus!   http://www.buckle.com/

Well I am off to bed now- much to do tomorrow.

My first

This is my new blog and I am thrilled about it. I have random times where I desperately need an outlet to share my artistic side with artwork, pictures, writings, fashion ideas and who knows what else. I hope that this is as enjoyable for you as it is for me. Follow