Busy

This week has been ridiculously busy with Fall break approaching. I have had papers and test out the wazoo. I have currently been awake for.. 40 hours and 39 minutes.. 

I am about to lay my head down on the pillow for the first time in almost 2 days-

I will try to post more later.

Love you all!

It's been a rough patch again..

I know that there will always be valleys in our journey of life... but this one is consuming me. The heart is aching and I am sick at the thought of being so lonely and impatient for God's timing. I have cried out many nights but tonight is really getting to me. Satisfaction and fulfillment seems oh so distant. I realize He is near but what does that make me if I am far? Human? So be it. I will rise up with His strength and conquer this valley...once again. He is MY STRENGTH. HE IS my strength. He is near to the brokenhearted and comforts those in need. He has a plan, a purpose, a hope and a life all planned out for me. He is my shield. He is my rock. He is my father who loves me. He is and always will be my first love. He loves me so much that He sent His son to DIE for me. He hurts when I hurt and mourns when I mourn. He is holding me up when I can't find the strength anymore. As I lie awake at night and the heart shattering thoughts run through my head, He is there. As the worst flash backs race through my mind, He is there. As I hug my pillow as tightly as possible trying to feel comfort.. He is right in between and He's holding me tighter.

I must remember these things. I must. I must.

I have to.

I have been in denial since the beginning of the semester- I've denied all the past summer's heartaches and shattered memories. I have tried to be so strong and act as if I can't be broken anymore- but that's all become a reality. Slapping me in the face- my heart's laid out in plane sight once again. I am human. I am broken. I am capable of being destroyed and walked on. I feel the pain even when I try my best not to and I remember the faces of those who have tried to take everything away. 

I will be fine. God always brings me through and He's never let me down. This rough patch that I am in is simply making me stronger. He is fully aware of how I feel and knows that I CAN handle this... I just have to rely on Him totally..completely.

I wrote this following piece about a week ago-

And I surround myself with pillows

But I can't feel a thing

Nothing's there

Nothing's holding me

It's never close enough and

No one can hold me tight enough

My skin has become thick to the softness

of ones love

But I desire it like you wouldn't believe

I cry out to God night after night

Day after day

I pray

That He will hold me

And be the only one I need

But again I awake with the same longing

Longing to be held

Longing to be loved

Lord satisfy

Fulfill

Answer

Your daughter is lonely

Is trying to do her best

But oh Father you have to do the rest

These tests are destroying me

Do I pass or do I fail

Does that one comment or phone call

Mean I'm not strong 

That I've given up

That I don't care?

Signed-

Your loving daughter in despair

I don't know where this is going

I have not posted anything in a while so I feel the need to update.

God is still doing amazing things in my life. I can tell that He has given me such a deep peace about life- the trials I've faced and am still facing. I look at things with a different perspective- I dance and sing around my room when I can and ALWAYS sing at the top of my lungs in my car... yep, I'm back and it feels great!

I have met some great people lately. A few from FBCI, (still have not joined but I believe It's getting closer to that time) and of course new people here on campus. They are all so sweet and encouraging. I have been named the "funny one" I love it. Making people laugh is such a joy- I know that my ridiculous sense of humor comes from my daddy, and the obnoxious laugh comes from my moma. I like looking at those things knowing that I still have pieces of them with me. I miss them A LOT but I love that I am their daughter and they are still living on inside me.

I used to be sad about the fact that people had no idea why "I am the way I am" because they never got to meet mom and dad- now I get to blame craziness on them- I simply smile and remember the good times when I am able..

Side note: I was told that I should write a book... I am seriously considering it. Any opinions?

It would definitely be about my life and the journey that it has become. How God has picked me up off the ground and showered me with His grace and love. It would be really personal and I would be putting EVERYTHING out there... but If it reaches the heart of those who have been in my shoes.. and helps encourage them.. I will risk it all. After all, isn't that what we are called to do? I want this book to be glorifying to God.. His hand has to be in this or I am not doing it... still praying about that one.

I am thinking of names- Jokingly when I talk about "my book" title- I simply say, "saddest book ever" but we all know that's not entirely true. 

I want to incorporate a lot of my poems, writings...rants.. w/e- but am not entirely sure on how to combine those things... still thinking about it. But, please give me your opinion :)

I have also been told that I should be a song writer. That would be incredible... but my lyrics that I write are pretty deep and personal.. still pondering that one.

However, none of this matters at all if GOD does not want this for me. I have NO idea what He is calling me to... these are just a few things that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

My prayer(s) lately have been about God revealing His plan to me step by step so I don't make a wrong turn. I really really really want to obey His every command.. It's just hard to figure out what He is saying vs. what I am feeling/thinking. 

He is answering many other prayers as well- which is such a beautiful thing

however, out of His ..Yes/No/Wait answers- I am getting mostly waits....

OH patience- that is what He is trying so hard to teach me... I have decided that I am the most impatient person when it comes to answered prayers. 

Just add that to the list of things I am learning this semester!

God bless you all- may smiles come and tears go- may peace find you and worries fade away.

Sweet Baby Boy

He is here! He is finally here. Safe. sound, happy, full of life, and loved beyond all measure. We are all exhausted from a LONG past few days but our hearts are so full of joy!

He has the biggest personality. Eyes wide open the entire time and smiling at us during his assessment. I swear he already knows how to laugh. I absolutely am in love with him. He is the only man I need in my life. How will I ever love someone more?.. besides my own children of course :)

I bawled like a baby the entire time- just couldn't stop! But it felt great to cry over something so extremely happy.. and this time only a little bit of sad. Vanessa did great and I am so proud of her!! She is going to be an amazing mommy. Wow that's crazy to say!

I will post more later when I have had more sleep.

GOD BLESS OUR BABY BRANDON!

Waiting for baby Brandon :)

While in the middle of my meteorology online test, I got a call saying that Vanessa may have her baby tomorrow :)

So of course I packed my bags, emailed my teachers and hit the road.

She was induced at 5:15pm and we should see a change within at least 12 hours. If he still decides not to move any lower, we move to plan B- Penatosin (sp)

He is expected to be here early tomorrow morning- 5am-ish :)

I cannot wait to see this precious gift from God. I have imagined holding him in my arms for the past 9 months which seems like forever. I want to look into those big eyes and tell him how much I love him! Feeling him kick from Vanessa's cute little belly, I have imagined what his sweet little feet will look like. Let our hearts begin to mend with this sweet baby boy in our arms. I am so proud of my sister Vanessa and how she is handling all of this. Nothing phases her, or that she will show. She seems more patient and calm as ever. She is so strong and beautiful and I know without a shadow of doubt that Mom and Dad are so proud of her as well. They are cheering her on and congratulating her from the heavens. With angels and God beside them, all looking down over us as we partake in this amazing journey. Smiles all on their faces and joy in their hearts. He will be beautiful. He will be blessed. He will be loved. He will be..our sweet baby Brandon.

Brandon, please get here soon. Be sweet to your mommy and make sure you smile at her as soon as you are able, she really could use that. We love you so much and look forward to meeting you with all our love.

Your Aunt Shelby

Artsy

It's a bit creepy but I like the glittery eye shadow look

Not my favorite..but I like the over exposure

LOVE the antique look of this

Lately I have been taking a lot of pictures with my Cannon Rebel xsi :) I love it. I am also experimenting a lot with different techniques, settings and of course photo shop. These following are a few samples that I really like.

This one is one of my favorites!

Tomorrow night I am doing a photo shoot with my friend Jordan. It is going to be awesome. We are being both models and photographers for each other. "Pin-up girl" is our theme- not skanky but classy! I am so excited to see how they turn out.

This is my new shirt that I LOVE- so of course I took a picture :)

I am so In love with You

I have been struggling with ..being single..lately. I don't feel that I "need" a man, no, it is simply that I feel I have a lot of love to give. I feel that my heart may burst at the wrong moment, and I just want to make sure that my heart goes to the one that God has chosen, not me. It is clear that I don't know how to pick them. Well.. there was an amazing one quite a while ago.. but we were not supposed to be together and so God and him ended it. So, not all are bad.. but so far, maybe, not the right one. Please don't get me wrong, I am in no hurry to get married. I just can't stop anticipating the day when God brings me my husband. This heart of mine is longing to be loved and held and all of those wonderful things, but as for now it needs to be with God and God only. I know that His plan is perfect..and so help me if I try and mess with that..again. Patience, Lord, that's what I need from you. Satisfaction, fulfillment..but most of all patience. It is difficult to sit and wait when I see so many in love. My sister about to have a baby and begin her family and my other sister madly in love with her man as well. They seem to be on a completely different chapter in life then I am. I am okay with that, honestly, but it's a tough place to be. I know that God is in the process of showing me something amazing right now, so I will anticipate that greatly. I was told once that I was still single because God wants me all to Himself right now. He doesn't want anyone else to interfere with our beautiful relationship. That is a beautiful picture. To know that my GOD WANTS ME TO HIMSELF is such an amazing thing. He is not going to bring me this man until I am totally and completely 100% dedicated to HIM first. I am doing my best but it is a challenging process. I realize I am Only 19..but let's be real for a second. Age is just a number for the most part. I had to kiss my youth goodbye last summer and grew six years older overnight. I lost my parents, but along with that went EVERYTHING else. I am more or less on my own and have practically every responsibility that a thirty year old has. Do you see what I mean? The day my parents were taken from me, I lost half my heart- the part that poured out love on them. I no longer had a mom or dad to hug and kiss or say I Love You to. Now that spot has only memories of them and a part where it stings to remember how much I really do love them. That spot is missing a lot of pieces.. and God is filling them one by one. But that part that He installed in me, the overly ridiculously lovey- dovey compassionate hopeless romantic wholehearted entirely smitten..part of me is a bit empty and slightly ready to love someone in a real way. The love between a husband and wife that God talks about in His word.

So.. now that you all think I am a crazed man-obsessed lady.. I assure you I am not. I am simply a lady in waiting. Waiting for GOD to bring me the right man. The one who will love, honor and cherish me until death do us part.... or in my parent case, never part.

I will continue seeking out discernment and doing my best to be patient. I know that in the end it is going to be beautiful.

Woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this..

We walk around with our hearts held out in our hands, begging for some man to take it and to love us.

When really we should be holding our heart close to us and turning our shoulder to anyone who tries to take it at first.

It's a beautiful and precious jewel of ours- costly and unaffordable- so why do we give it away for free to someone we barely know? Someone who could take it and throw it on the ground. Pass it off to some other guy. Lay it aside and forget. 

It's precious and unique, don't we know that?

That one day, one beautiful and marvelous day, one man will gently ask us if he can hold it. And only if we say yes will he hold it tight and secure to protect it from all harm.

He'll do everything he can to not hurt it, drop it, forget about it or pass it on. 

He's going to want to keep it forever.....

And one day he will ask us.... May I have your heart

To love

To honor

To cherish

The rain

I adore the rain. I love the sound, smell, feel, and sight of rain. Love.

It is so peaceful and lovely. I love exotic umbrellas and bright fancy rain boots. The slight frizz of everyone's hair and the slightly smudged makeup on all the girl's faces. The sound of cars driving through a big puddle and the sight of puddles going every which way when people stomp through them. The squeaky sound of wet shoes and the squish of wet socks. The sound of the rain fleeing off the top of the umbrella as we do our best to shake them dry. The way the sky looks all gray and scary at times. The slight peek of sun doing it's best to shine through. Leaning your head back with your mouth open trying to catch raindrops on your tongue..if you dare.Wet hugs in the rain. 

Kissing, dancing, singing, stomping, running, skipping, praying, waving, laughing... is all made better with rain.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass,

It's about dancing in the rain."

Daddy's Birthday

Today was my daddy's 50th birthday. I could not help but feel that I was supposed to be ditching school to help set up his big surprise party....
However, as we all know, that is not the case...

I expected today to be tough.. and though it was not the happiest day of my life, it was nothing compared to last years heartache. Thank you to my God for the peace the He is installing in me. Thank you to the God of comfort and smiles.... finally.
I miss my dad a lot... a lot. a lot..... oh so very much. But to say that this was his second birthday in heaven.. is a beautiful picture.
Dad- you are and always will be the number one man in my life.. I promise.

well... a little teary eyed now but it's okay. I know that his party up there was way better then the one that we would have thrown him down here.

I am keeping myself extremely busy ... So again I do apologize for the sporadic posts.

I have the perfect picture to post with this blog today- but I don't feel much like looking at it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

God bless

Sorry It has been so long

I'm sorry it has been so long since I last posted- This semester is completely kicking my butt. Two words: Hybrid Meteorology.

Just to catch yall up, God is still doing amazing things in my life and I am falling more and more in love with Him each and every day. He is satisfying many needs and wants of mine right now and I feel at peace.
I visited FBC Irving for the first time on Wednesday night. I really enjoyed it and met some amazing people there. I went this morning, a little timid of the whole church thing, but it was great. Everyone was really sweet and I met some more cool people. I like it's modern/traditional homey feeling. It's small enough that I am not overwhelmed(...coming from a church of 80 people..) but big enough that it's loud when everyone sings :) I miss that.
I am excited to be back in church again and am going to continue praying about if FBCI is where God wants me.

On another note.
I have decided that it just sucks when I meet someone amazing and begin a great friendship.. and then reach that point when I have to tell them "my story"
I don't tell people hardly ever..unless I feel that our friendship will go far..
I don't want to be that girl that people feel sorry for. Yes, my story is super tragic and I still find it hard to breathe sometimes- but please don't feel sorry for me. Pray for me, hug me, love me and talk to me like a normal person, because that's what I am and that's what I desire.

I miss them a lot lately- like a lot a lot. I know that this will always be there in my heart but sometimes I wish that today was the day that I would be able to look back and just laugh and smile. I just have so much to tell them and show them. I feel like I no longer have anyone who is "proud of me" I know that's wrong and I am sorry to say it. But.. a mother and fathers pride over their child is so much more than anyone can compare..
MOVING ON..

I am SO excited that Brandon is going to be here soon. I met a baby boy names Judah this week and he is SO adorable. I can't wait to hold my nephew in my arms. He is seriously a gift to our family- He is someone that we can hold on to and love... and he will begin to mend our hearts slowly.
God wanted us to smile again and to have someone else to love dearly- so He sent us Brandon Eugene Finn.. out little angel.

On another note, I am considering another tattoo..
don't frown, you had to see that coming :)
I was considering wings on the sides of the one I have now.
and something to do with grace because that is something that God is showing me in mighty ways- it is beautiful and I want it on me forever.
opinions are cool...unless they are negative or rude-
so as my mommy always told me: "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all"